27
Feb 15

The Slap, Episode 3

Well, you guys. We’re three-eights of the way there. I bring you The Slap, Episode 3.

The Slap

Previous episodes: Episode 1 | Episode 2

Last night’s episode focused on Anouk, the Uma Thurman character who works as a television show writer and is dating an actor, Jamie, who has a hipster haircut and also plays in a band.

This episode really only tangentially touched upon the slap, but also delved into a whole new storyline and Anouk’s past. Ultimately, the episode was kind of a week justification for Anouk’s feeling that the lawsuit surrounding the slap might tear the friend group apart.

So, the episode starts out by showing you what Anouk saw while the slap was going on: Hector holding hands with Connie under the deck.

Anouk and Jamie the slap

As Anouk and Jamie leave the party, they talk about Hector and Connie, and Anouk playfully reminds Jamie that he’s not her boyfriend. She says she just wants to go home and work and that she’ll drop him off. Fast forward a couple of hours and Jamie has totally gone home with her, and they’ve totally had sex. She gets a late night call from Aisha and they make plans to go out and talk.

Anouk meets up with Aisha, and Rosie joins them. Rosie talks about how excited she is for the impending case, and how good it would be to put Harry away. Anouk says that Rosie should drop the case because it will scar the group of friends for life. Rosie says Anouk wouldn’t understand because Anouk doesn’t have kids.

Basically, this whole episode is a set up to remind you that women should totally just have kids and quit acting like they may not want them. Because all women are totally the same and designed completely for motherhood.

Anouk Rosie Aisha the slap

Anyway, Anouk leaves the friendly dinner in a huff and goes to see her mother, Virginia, who is played by Blythe Danner. Anouk tells Virginia that she’s worried about Hector cheating on Aisha because Aisha is her best friend. Virginia tells her she should confront Hector about it. Virginia also tells her to bring her boyfriend over for dinner.

Anouk goes to see Jamie’s band play, and she get sick. She’s been having all manner of mood swings and people comment about how she doesn’t look too good. So after the show, she buys some pregnancy tests. And yep, totes preggers.

dinner party anouk jamie virgina the slap

Anouk brings Jamie to dinner with her mother, where her mother breaks the news to her in front of a group of people Anouk doesn’t know, that she has sold her apartment and will be moving to Edinburgh. Anouk flips out, and rightfully so.

Now the rest of the episode is a little fuzzy, because I started getting some texts from people, and Instagram was way more interesting. So just know that I’m going to convey the majority of what happened, but it may not be complete. Seriously, this show is wearing on me.

(I had a conversation with Chris about how I wouldn’t mind going back to rewatch bits of other shows, but I don’t want to do that with this one. It’s too much. Now, if it were an episode of Downton Abbey, I’d be on it. And I feel like I need to write an entire post about the time the Dowager said that Cora’s floral designs were best suited to a christening in southern Italy. WHAT THE HELL EVEN KIND OF INSULT IS THAT AND WHERE DO I LEARN TO MAKE SIMILAR ONES?!)

Jamie is a clever boy and figures out that his lady is pregnant. He’s excited and ready to settle down and wants to name the baby Olive or Oliver. Anouk breaks up with him because she can’t handle love. I guess. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the names he has chosen for the baby? I feel like whatever they tell me about these characters, it doesn’t make them seem real.

aisha anouk the slap

Anouk goes to Aisha and says she needs an abortion. Aisha, Anouk’s best friend, doesn’t seem to know her friend at all, or maybe knows her better than Anouk knows herself. Instead of referring her to a doctor immediately to perform the procedure, she tells Anouk to think about it. Aisha also tells Anouk that her son watches porn and she caught it because he didn’t clear the browser history. (This is unbelievable because incognito browsing has existed for the entirety of this kid’s life. He knows how the internet works. He wouldn’t let this happen.)

During this scene, Chris stated that it felt like the writers were just using buzzwords to convey emotions, and it kind of felt that way. Anouk says she doesn’t feel like she can be a mother. Aisha says no one is born knowing how to do it. We learn that while Anouk’s parents were going through their divorce, her father died. Anouk found paperwork that stated Virginia wanted Anouk’s father to have full custody. So we are left to infer that Anouk doesn’t feel like she can be a mom because her mom didn’t want her.

hector and anouk the slap

At some point Anouk goes to Hector and Aisha’s house while Aisha is at work so she can confront Hector. The kids are there. She throws them a toy. They chase after it like dogs. It felt weird to me though because Hector and Aisha’s son likes porn. So he’s probably in this really weird adolescent phase where he probably doesn’t want to be treated like a kid. I don’t know. I think maybe the writers aren’t familiar with kids. Because no kid is as demonic as Hugo, and no kids are as spoiled and childish as Hector’s. Rocco is a good depiction of a kid, but not a good depiction of a kid of a man with anger issues. Anyway…

Anouk goes to her mother’s house with a small gift to make amends, but her mother doesn’t appear immediately. So she goes to her mother’s computer and checks the browser history. Looks like Virginia had been researching some types of brain cancer. And that’s why she’s moving to Edinburgh–to undergo treatment for her brain tumor. Anouk leaves.

anouk virginia the slap

Anouk eventually comes back with a fancy pants Louis Vuitton suitcase for her mom. Virginia admits to knowing that Anouk is pregnant. In a later scene, Anouk gets back with Jamie. It looks like they’re going to have an Olive(r).

anouk jamie the slap

I had a lot of issues with this episode. Anouk is cool in that she’s not a typical representation of a woman we often see in primetime. Even the career-driven women are typically mothers. This isn’t necessarily an issue, but it would be cool to have a 40-year-old woman in a show who remains childless. Aisha can be the 40-year-old woman with children and the career.

Also, I don’t like how we’re given the impression that Jamie and Anouk are going to work things out and be the best parents ever. Even if it’s possible for them to be, Anouk didn’t enter that relationship with that as the endgame. Rather, she was basically just using him for sex (LIKE YOU DO IF YOU’RE A CHARACTER IN THE SLAP) and had no intentions of letting the relationship progress. Now, you can take the side of the argument that there is no such thing as “just sex” and it was bound to become something bigger. But Anouk seems to be a pretty high-ranking  person with this TV show. And I would bet this ain’t her first “just sex” rodeo.

Another issue: Anouk becomes pregnant and doesn’t know it. SHE’S A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO SEEMS TO BE COOL WITH CASUAL SEX. SHE KNOWS HOW TO PREVENT A PREGNANCY AND SHE WOULD BE IN TUNE ENOUGH WITH HER BODY TO KNOW SOMETHING WAS UP.

You guys. It’s getting harder to watch.

Next week it looks like we’re going to deal more with Hector’s father and the lawsuit. I’m pretty excited for an old Greek dude. I mean, season 2 of The Wire was my favorite season…

Episode 3 grade: YOU GET A GOLD STAR YOU SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE

I don’t even know anymore, you guys. This episode was a nice digression from the slap business. So, I liked that. But for an 8-episode series, can you have that much of a digression? Also, at this point in the series, I would really like more of a spotlight on Rosie and Gary than on Anouk.

I think watching this show each week is really validating my choice to not watch things as they air and to just binge watch on Netflix later. I hate waiting for more story, and when all I get is about something else, it makes me grumpy.


26
Feb 15

An Open Letter to Any Convicts Looking to Escape

Dear convicts looking to escape,

I’m but a hopeless twenty-something (soon to be thirty-something, but who’s counting?) and I have one thing that I’d like to do with my life: help you escape.

I don’t have much experience, but I’m a fast learner and I’m quite helpful. Lock picking can’t be that hard, and I’m really good at distracting people while others do underhanded things. I would gladly take on your burden as my own, and free you from the confines you currently find yourself in. I’m sure whatever you’re doing time for isn’t that bad, and even if it is, I’m positive you didn’t do it. That’s why I’d love for nothing more than to help you escape.

Now, I would like to make it abundantly clear that I will not be working for free. I think it’s important that we each know my worth, and acknowledge it with proper compensation. I’m not asking much, just that you fund my education. I’m in desperate need of a rich benefactor to pay for the Ph.D. program I’ve found. I believe I would be a perfect fit for the Swansea at UCO Ph.D. program, and would love for nothing more than to work on a Ph.D. in Creative Writing.

(Yes, I’m aware that an advanced degree in this topic isn’t really sought after in the job market, or 100% necessary. I DON’T CARE. And yes, I know I’ve said that I won’t get a Ph.D., but I’ve changed my mind.)

I understand if this seems like a financial burden. But let’s remember that I’ll be breaking the law for you, so it all balances out. And $45,000 isn’t really that much in the grand scheme of things. I mean, if you could pay that and never spend another day incarcerated, you would totally be down to clown!

Anyway, it may seem an odd trade, but if memory of my high school freshman English class serves, that’s precisely how Pip in Great Expectations paid for his education, though he didn’t know it at the time. And to be perfectly honest, helping you achieve freedom seems a better proposition than paying off student loans on a Ph.D. that probably will not get me a single job offer in the state of Oklahoma.

I’m very flexible on this matter, and will gladly hang out with Estella and Miss Havisham-like characters all day if it means that you’ll pay my way through this Ph.D. Additionally, any convicts looking to escape are welcome to apply. Just know that I expect funding for my Ph.D. to begin within a year of said escape, and I can be incredibly annoying when I don’t get what I want.

Serious inquiries from convicts looking to escape only, please. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Marisa Mohi

P.S. I am 100% serious. I really need this Ph.D.

P.P.S. I will qualify for a tribal scholarship, so it’s possible that you will only end up paying around $36,000. That is a bargain, though this arrangement is a steal at any price.


23
Feb 15

Update #1

Here is a random smattering of things that aren’t big enough for a standalone blog post:

Check out the new design. I know Lobster font has been terribly uncool for a long time, so it’s gone now. That should please all the folks out there who have really important opinions about fonts. I also deleted the Facebook page for the blog. I’m not a Facebook person, and this blog ain’t a Facebook blog.

Things are coming full circle. After I got my first master’s degree, I was incredibly depressed about only being able to earn a decent wage bartending (thanks, Recession). But last week, I went to that bar with my friend, Jocelyn, and we wrote midterm questions together. There are only two or three people who still work there from when I did, but it was very calming to know that all the insecurities I felt while working there are gone, and that I’m able to go there to relax as a college adjunct, and don’t have to be there to work.

I’ve finally started watching season 5 of Downton Abbey via the PBS app on my iPad. Even though I feel as if I’ve been betrayed by that show, I still love all the characters. Though, I hope the last episode of the series is just Lady Edith getting everything she ever wanted. She can’t be the punching bag forever, can she? My top 5 favorite Downton Abbey characters of all time in no particular order:

  1. Sybil
  2. Mr. Carson
  3. Mrs. Hughes
  4. The Dowager
  5. Mr. Molesley

Soda is really gross. I crave it and crave it and crave it, then I drink some, and it makes me sick. Both diet and regular. I need more tea options that are readily available when I’m away from home and in need of caffeine.

I’m obsessed with how my dog sleeps. Rosie splays her limbs out on the couch and snores every day from about 7 AM until 1 PM. Then, she goes outside for about half an hour. When she comes back in, it’s back to the couch. She has a very important schedule to keep. Also, Rosie’s breath smells like if you turned an old toilet into a fish tank. Dog owners: how do you make it so that your dog doesn’t exhale pure death?

Chris has infused a bottle of gin with beets. There is nothing this man loves more than booze projects and beets, and he was especially excited that those two things coincided. Side note: beet-infused gin looks like a bottle of blood and tastes like gin with dirt. When that booze project was complete, he took some red wine we had lying around and put it in a jar with some apple cider vinegar mother. We should have red wine vinegar soon.

This is old, but Malory recommended it and I’ll be damned if isn’t one of the most motivating things I’ve read in a hot minute. I have it bookmarked and kind of want to get “il futuro ha un cuore antico” tattooed on my forearm.

Speaking of cuore, here is still a giant heart of Valentine’s chocolate in my house, only it’s full of apricot creme and Roman nougat-filled candies, which are the worst. However, I don’t have the “heart” to throw them away, because they are still chocolates. WHAT DO I DO?!

“Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify, simplify! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb-nail.” – Henry David Thoreau

And lastly, this tweet is probably the biggest subtweet I’ve ever tweeted:

 


20
Feb 15

The Slap, Episode 2

For those of you who thought The Slap couldn’t get worse and that Zachary Quinto couldn’t play a creepier character than Bloody Face in American Horror Story Season 2…

The Slap

YOU WERE WRONG.

Here’s my review for The Slap, Episode 2.

Episode 1 focused on Hector, and episode 2 follows Harry, the slapper. Harry, played by Zachary Quinto, is proof that the American Dream is still alive in a post-Recession world. He sells fancy pants rare cars (and even sold one to Jay Leno–so they said in episode 1) and the ham-handed narration tells you he decorates his home to remind him of where he grew up in Greece. Only, it’s like disgustingly fancy.

the slap harry's house

Harry has a kid who is an awkward pre-pubescent kid and his wife is thin and blonde and looks like she’s probably really good at yoga and might own Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease on DVD.

The narrator lets us know that Harry has a bad temper, because we couldn’t tell from how he slapped a possessed demon child. Though, given this information, his son doesn’t seem to be frightened of him in the least, and his wife never appears to walk on egg shells. So, it’s almost like these characters are brand new and have zero history together. If Harry were as prone to bursts of rage as the narrator would have us believe, his kid would be scared to upset him and work like mad to pacify him all the time. His wife would probably do the same. Cousin Hector probably would only contact him around the holidays and leave it at that.

I think they tried to convey the rage in a scene where Harry confronts a mechanic at his dealership for stealing money. But I don’t think they did it right. Harry tells the mechanic that he knows what he did and that the mechanic will work for free until he’s paid back. I guess they did this to show that Harry has an overdeveloped sense of right and wrong. But, if he really had a hot temper, I think he would yell more, fire the dude, and then take him to court. That would ruin the mechanic’s life more than working for free for a couple of weeks, and Harry seems to be motivated by a sense of vengeance.

the slap harry and mahmet

Anyway, Rosie and Gary have been talking to the police about what happened to their son, and the police let them know that it would be hard to make charges stick since they waited to call the cops and didn’t have their kid checked out by a doctor. In an odd way, Rosie and Gary seem to be driven by this sense of right and wrong, much in the way Harry is. Though, they are all cherry picking the rights and wrongs of the situation, and all three of them are terrible people.

The cops come to talk to Hector, and Hector tells Harry what’s up. Harry is all “you gotta have my back, cousin,” and Hector is all “dude, you hit a kid.” So, of course Harry talks to a lawyer.

Somehow, the lawyer is skeezier than Harry. He tells Harry this case won’t go to court and if it does, he can take care of it. Also, he mentions that he wants a 1983 Porsche 911SC. The lawyer also tells him to find a witness that isn’t related to him because no judge is going to take the word of his Greek family since they’re all thick as thieves.

the slap skeezy lawyer

So Harry goes to see Anouk at work where she is filming a TV show that looks like something that Lena Dunham might write for the CW. He tries to bribe her with a car, and she’s all “nope, not interested, staying out of it, have a nice day, leave me alone, kthnxbai.” She does say that Harry is a man who comes from a place where men get whatever they want, but it’s not like that anymore. I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s going to become the equivalent to an MRA on this show at some point…

the slap harry and anouk

Harry spends all day stressing. Then he goes to see his son’s basketball game and keeps yelling at his kid to take shots even though his kid is all about passing and fundamentals and teamwork and all the things about sports that are awesome. Later that night, Harry tells his kid that it’s time for him to be a winner and he needs to take those shots and not worry about passing because there is a difference between being a winner and being on the winning team.

RIGHT, REGGIE JACKSON? ENJOY DETROIT.

The next day, Harry sees his son practicing by shooting around in the drive way. At some point, TV shows and films will take the fifteen minutes necessary to teach actors how to do an athletic thing without looking like they’re flailing. But during production for this episode was not that day.

Harry is in his workout gear, and hears his wife talking to Hector. Hector has come over and he wants to tell Harry to just apologize to the crazy hippies because then they can drop it and everyone can have a good time when they go on that big trip to Greece that Hector’s parents bought. Hector is all “I know you’ve talked to a lawyer, bro. Let’s just settle this. I’ll go with you to apologize and also to watch Rosie breastfeed.”

Harry has his reservations. He says that Gary and Rosie aren’t honorable people and that this country is going to shit because the weak attack the strong for being strong and thats why they sue. Hector reminds Harry that he has a temper that could make a trial difficult.

Harry is all “whatever, I’ll do it.” Hector leaves, and then Harry turns to his wife and asks how Hector knew that he had spoken to a lawyer. He grabs his wife’s neck and asks if she’s talking behind his back. It’s a very physical altercation that ends when Harry’s son, Rocco, enters the kitchen. Rocco seems surprised, but again, would he be? Is Harry Harry, or did all these character just recently come into being?

the slap harry and his wife

Oh, Connie also quits at the clinic where she worked with Hector’s wife, Aisha. She says it’s because she’s too busy writing college admission essays which means that HECTOR WAS COURTING A HIGH SCHOOLER AND NOT A COLLEGE GIRL LIKE I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT AND IT’S GROSSER THAN EVER. Aisha is all “well, I’m sad to see you go, but you can still babysit, right?” Later in the episode, Connie will send a text to Hector saying “I miss you.”

Hey high school girls–do not get involved with older dudes. They are so boring and have to pop a Zantac before they take you out for pizza. THAT’S NOT SEXY.

Hector and Harry go to apologize to Rosie and Gary and Demon Baby Hugo. It does not go well. Harry tries to apologize, Rosie prods him while nursing Demon Baby. Things get heated. Harry kicks a chair and leaves.

Then Harry goes to his dealership where he has sex with one of his employees. This show has taught me that all husbands do is cheat on their wives. I would kill for an episode that follows one of the women in the story. We’ll get one next week, but it’s going to be Anouk, a single woman who is dating a much younger man, and the previews make me think she’s just using him for sex. EVERYONE IS JUST USING EVERYONE ELSE FOR SEX.

After Harry has copulated with his employee, he gets a call that his son has been kicked off the basketball team. That’s right. When Rocco confronts a teammate about why that teammate isn’t passing to him so he can make some shots, the teammate is all “dude, we’re winning, I can’t start passing now.” So, like the winner his dad wants him to be, Rocco starts a fight.

Screen Shot 2015-02-20 at 10.03.06 AM

Harry goes and meets his wife and son at the school, and they head home. But when they get there, the cops are there to take him in. Harry’s wife calls his lawyer and Cousin Hector to post bail. When Hector goes into the courthouse, he goes into this really menacing elevator.

Screen Shot 2015-02-20 at 9.46.31 AM

Hector slips into the courtroom for the arraignment, and sees Gary in there. Poor Hector was interrupted while drinking and listening to jazz in his Eames chair, but he had to go for his cousin. The plaintiff reads the charges, Harry’s skeezy lawyer skeezes hard, Gary flips out and is all “but your honor!” and the grumpy judge is all “dude, this is not a trial, shut up.”

the slap judge huston

Harry is released. He is renewed and revitalized, and ready to use all the money he has to destroy Gary and Rosie’s family. He also realizes that he must protect his son because some men are warriors (him) and some are philosophers (his son). It’s a stretch.

Episode 2 grade: C-

Points have been awarded for following the structure of a show, continuing storylines, and for furthering the plot. The Slap is a show that does things shows do.

Points were awarded for the overall fleekness of eyebrows. This is mainly due to Zachary Quinto. He ups the fleek factor exponentially.

Points have been deducted for adultery. You can have a character cheat on their significant other, but you need to have a reason that they do it. We’re cool with Rochester liking Jane Eyre because his wife is bonkers up in the attic. That’s a good reason to have extramarital feelings. In The World According to Garp, we’re okay with adultery because because the wife accidentally bites off the member of her side piece and one of her children die. See? (Probably a terrible example.) HARRY AND HECTOR HAVE NO GOOD REASON TO CHEAT. Points were also deducted for not giving Harry ANY redeeming qualities.

Also points have been deducted because now I feel like I have to keep watching this show and I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO. Seriously, I started watching and blogging about this show because I was drawn to the family. I wanted to like a multi-ethnic family with old world ties. WHY HAVE YOU MADE IT SO HARD TO DO THAT, NBC?!

Marisa Mohi signature


17
Feb 15

What We Did on Valentine’s Day: A Trip to Mustang Brewery

Chris and I are totally hopeless romantics, by which I mean we’re cranky and old when it comes to the sillier things in life. Forgive me, but I think Valentine’s Day is super silly.

Don’t get me wrong. I totally love the chocolate. It’s just I wish I could go back in time and shake teenage Marisa so she wasn’t so down about not having a date on Valentine’s Day. I’ve had the best Valentine for the past 4 years now, so I’ve totally made up for lost time.

Anyway, as with every holiday, Chris and I made it totally about food. Also, it’s about me not bringing the real camera and getting really bad shots with my silly little iPhone.

Since Valentine’s Day was on a Saturday, we knew we wanted to go eat before people had their huge, romantic endeavors planned. Having worked in food service for almost 8 years, I can tell you that you don’t want to be in a restaurant on the night of Valentine’s Day.

So after Chris got home and all cleaned up from Muay Thai (he tells me all about the dudes he beat up before he hops in the shower), we exchanged gifts. This year, we agreed to make each other something. Chris painted me a picture, and I wrote him a poem. Of course, he also got me a book and chocolates, and I sprang for a bottle of wine.

Then we went to Empire Slice House to eat pizza and drink beer, as we do. I was hoping that they would have the Ghostface Killah pizza (it has ghost peppers in the sauce and crumbled BBQ potato chips on top), but it was not to be. They did have the Hamburglar, which was basically a hamburger on a pizza (think meat, pickles, tomatoes, and mustard), and that made Chris’s day.

After we ate to an uncomfortable level of fullness, we went to Mustang Brewery where they were holding a tasting and tour. I got to meet some of the guys from Mustang back in the day–when I was a bright-eyed 24-year-old, bartending at a place that I will never be able to not call “the Fail House.” Chris also met some of them, back in the heyday of his beer podcast–which I’m told will be resurrected soon.

Anyway, as far as local brewers go, you probably won’t meet nicer guys. They are dedicated to staying in Oklahoma City, which is fantastic. After a tornado really took out their roof, they’ve fixed it up and are still brewing.

mustang-brewery-tasting-room

If you get a chance to go to their tasting room, I would highly recommend trying the Elvus Peanut Butter Stout before it’s all gone. That beer was like a Reese’s cup, but not overly sweet. And anyone who knows me knows that I’m all about the peanut butter. And the Tractor Therapy IPA is really good too.

aging-barrels

If you prefer a more fruity beer, go with the Straw-shitaw Wheat (strawberry wheat) or the Kiss It AB (a pumpkin peach ale poking fun at the salty commercial Anheuser-Busch released during the Super Bowl).

mustang-brewery

After the tour, we chugged our beers and headed home. It was almost 5 o’clock, and it was time to put on yoga pants and eat chocolates while drinking wine. We decided to watch Excalibur, and then I was in bed by 10.

Hopeless romantics and party animals, I’m telling you.

Marisa Mohi signature