Dollar Tree Drug Test Kits: Comparison is the Bringer of Joy

Comparison may be billed as the thief of joy, but yesterday because of Dollar Tree drug test kits, it became my reason for it.

I saw a girl buying some Dollar Tree drug test kits, and this is that story.

Original photo by Brooke Cagle

Let me explain.

Firstly, if you know me in real life, then you know that I’m catty. I gossip too much, and I’m mostly not a great person. I’m working on that, but I felt I needed to say that to give you a frame of reference for why the following story would bring me so much happiness.

Because I enjoy getting a good deal AND buying cheap plastic crap, I like a good trip to the dollar store. My local Dollar Tree is a treasure trove of paperbacks, personal care products, and cheap Sour Patch kids. Naturally, I shop there often.

After reading Tracy’s post about watercolor Skillshare classes, I decided I was going to sign up for Skillshare, and try my hand at some painting. But I didn’t want to buy expensive watercolors in case I absolutely hated the process. So I figured buying garbage paint from the school supply section of Dollar Tree would hold me over until I decide to pull the trigger on some real paint.

And naturally, I needed tea light candles and a vase for my grocery store hydrangeas I was planning to buy, and I can’t leave Dollar Tree without at least three paperbacks. (I wound up buying 5 yesterday. SO MANY MAINSTREAM FICTIONS GOODIES!)

Anyway, I went at a great time because it was quiet and chill. I hate going to Dollar Tree when granny has all 7 of her grandchildren in the store to purchase candy before going to the movie theater, or when unsupervised teens try to casually steal the hair dyes. And let’s be real: The only time shopping is good is when there is no one else in the store. That’s why Mondays are the best days to do your combo Dollar Tree and grocery store runs.

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I grabbed my items and briefly considered picking up some Hot Tamales and Twizzlers. I didn’t though, because I’m trying this new thing where I don’t eat like a toddler that was locked in a candy store over night. So I made my way to the line. And that’s where I got my moment of clarity.

In front of me stood a young woman. She was a college student, and I could tell because she was wearing the requisite short running shorts and an oversized Delta Omega Pi Theta Alpha Kappa or whatever shirt. Her nails were manicured, her tan nearly perfect, and her hair was very clean and freshly styled.

Did you know Dollar Tree sold drug test kits? Click To Tweet

And in her hands were 3 Dollar Tree drug test kits.

Yes. Dollar Tree drug test kits.

I know. I thought they only sold pregnancy tests which they stock right at checkout, like the one impulse purchase you can’t leave without is a hella cheap pee stick.

She was quite fidgety. Though, I suppose it’s hard to play it cool when you’re buying drug tests.

A cashier opened up a new lane and she darted over. As soon as the cashier dragged those boxes across the scanner and dropped them in a bag, she slapped $4 on the counter, grabbed her merchandise, and sprinted out.

She didn’t even wait for her change, which really confused the cashier because you can buy like three-quarters of an item at Dollar Tree with the money she left behind.

And that’s when comparing my life to the lives of others brought me immense joy.

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Don’t get me wrong. I wish this young woman the best. I hope everything turns out for the best, and I hope that she gets the answer she wants from those drug test kits.

But comparing my life to hers brings me immense joy because I will never have to be that age again. And because of that, I will never find myself in a position wherein I need to purchase Dollar Tree drug test kits.

(We’re all where we’re supposed to be, and I don’t gotta be there no more.)

Though being a 30-something in a college town can make you feel old ALL THE TIME, sometimes it makes you feel super grateful.

With age comes wisdom, and jobs that no longer test for drugs because they require so many other credentials and have such a low turnover that they know you probably won’t do anything harder than the occasional Benadryl. With age comes the realization that no matter what is going on in my life, I never have to relive my twenties again because they were THE WORST. I will never find myself in the position where I put my faith in a $1 drug test.

So, to the young woman who I saw at the Dollar Tree on 12th and Alameda, I hope your week improves. I hope you get the result you need to get, and I hope it means you get the job or whatever you were testing for. We all had summer indiscretions in college, and I hope you aren’t punished for partying the way that a vast majority of people do at your age.

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And to myself, I remind you that everything is coming up Millhouse, and you ain’t gotta buy no Dollar Tree drug test kits.

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Am I a terrible person for sharing this story? Have you ever seen a stranger that reminded you how good you had it? How accurate do you think those drug tests are? What is your favorite item to buy at Dollar Tree?

Thanks for sharing!
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12 comments

  1. LOL, what??? Now, that’s something I hadn’t heard of before. What’s next, dollar store STD tests? Dollar store 23 and Me tests?

    I used to get some good scrapbooking gear back in the day from Dollar Tree. I live too far into the boonies to get to DT easily these days but if I lived close I’d pop in all the time.

    • Man. I would love to see the STD test just sitting on the shelf there…

      And you may be lucky that you live so far away. Just think of all the money you save because you can’t just pop on by!

  2. Yesterday at the grocery store I saw a kid I busted having sex in a bathroom when she was in 6th grade. She was pushing a kid around in a stroller. She’s fully grown now and it mostly just makes me sad, but it also puts things into perspective. Life ain’t that bad.

  3. I want to know how effective they are!! I guess there’s only one way to find out…

  4. You’re definitely not a terrible person! We all do the comparison thing! lol And I’m so glad that I’m not in my 20s anymore! Though I had some great times because I traveled a lot in my 20s, I know I’m a more confident person now and I wouldn’t trade that for anything! And my favorite Dollar Tree items are candy (of course!) and cheap doggie toys!

    • I’m such a terrible dog mom because I always forget to look at the toys there! And I feel the same about my twenties — there were some great experiences, but overall, I’m a much happier person now.

  5. I wonder if the young woman was fidgety because of what she was purchasing or because of the possibility of being seen at Dollar Tree.

    • I think it was a combination of both. Some people don’t proudly display their love for the Dollar Tree like I do, and feel shame.

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