If we were having coffee...

If we were having coffee, I’d probably just order a hot, black coffee. Even though it’s roughly one billion degrees outside, I just can’t stop drinking my coffee hot. I do enjoy iced coffee, but man. There’s something about sipping a hot cup of black coffee, exhaling gently, and letting your brain settle. No, seriously, there’s something about it.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m not ready for the school year to start. I have a brand spankin’ new office that I love, and we’re using a new textbook too. But for some reason, someone cut summer short. I could swear that it was supposed to be like 3 months long. How is it that the fall semester starts in less than 3 weeks?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you how proud I am of Chris and the business he’s built. It’s awesome to see how many stores are now selling the enamel pins he’s made. I love all the hard work he’s put into doing something that he loves. And then I’d encourage you to buy this fart pin. Seriously. You need a wearable graphic representation of a fart.

If we were having coffee, I’d let you know that my orchid is still alive and well, but hasn’t bloomed after all the flowers fell off. I’d also tell you that I’m taking it personally, and that I intend to write an angry letter to the head orchid, if such an entity exists. Also, I may ask you for help with my orchid. The stems are super green, and the leaves are looking good. But no blooms. How the hell is it possible that owning a dog is easier than owning an orchid?

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If we were having coffee, I’d probably curse way more than your comfortable with. Know that I mean no offense by it. It’s just something I do when I feel comfortable around someone. Curse words are my love language.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you how hard I’m geeking out over Tom Bombadil. Since I’ve been teaching The Fellowship of the Ring this summer, I’ve gotten to obsess over little elements of the novel. The first time I read it back in high school, I didn’t know what to think of him. And I remember in one of the commentary videos on the special edition DVD of the movie that someone basically said a character like that wouldn’t be allowed to exist in a modern novel because editors would take it right out. Luckily Tolkien didn’t deal with today’s editors, because it means I get to geek out over Bombadil. And I try to transfer some of that love of him to my students. I really need to get a pair of yellow boots too. Ol’ Tom was a pretty fashion-forward sort of guy.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that for the first time this summer, my desk in my home office is clean. I mean, it still has piles of washi tape, too many pens, Post-Its galore, and various random things on it, but it’s clean. I mean, clean for my desk. Basically, there isn’t a pile of paper work on it. It’s weird how good that makes me feel. It’s also weird that the 15-minute task of cleaning off a desk can somehow take months.

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If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the Bella Twins diet was a massive failure. I made it 3 days. And I was uncomfortably full the whole time. Rest assured that I’m back to consuming Diet Coke and popcorn popped on the stove top for like every meal. Oh, and Chris bought me an air popper, so I’ve basically leveled up when it comes to the popped arts.

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If we were having coffee, I’d probably tell you a whole lot of things that I’m not going to publish on the blog. They aren’t bad things. They just aren’t ready to be released into the void yet. A lot of it’s really good stuff. I’m talking epiphanies. I’m talking realizing life purpose. I’m probably talking manic upswing, if I’m being real.

If we were having coffee, what would you tell me?

14 Responses

  1. I’d love to have coffee with you! Come on down to Houston if you can handle swimming in the humidity. 🙂

    I’d probably talk about weaning a toddler and how I have such mixed feelings about the process. There might be too much toddler talk. To counteract that, we’d talk politics, because I love talking politics with people willing to talk and not escalate to annoying tones.

    1. That sounds lovely! (Well, not the swimming in humidity part.) But I’d love to have some coffee and politics! And I don’t mind the toddler talk. It prepares me for the inevitable.

  2. AHHH! Why do you live so far away! I would have coffee with you ALL. THE. TIME. And… now I must try LulaRoe because you KNOW I need Garanimals. (and maybe a fart pin… do I, do I need that?)

    1. You totally need a fart pin! And know that when you see me at Megaphone Summit, I’ll pretty much only be wearing LulaRoe. We may just have to get coffee then…

  3. If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve wanted to try LuLaRoe for a while now, but nobody I’m friends with is ever hosting a show.

    If we were having coffee, I’d delve into the intricacies of nostalgia and how moving “back home” feels after being away for 12 years.

    If we were having coffee, I’d explain to how decorating a space causes me to experience intense levels of anxiety, and I’d let you psychoanalyze that.

    If we were having coffee, I’d want to discuss Stranger Things and possible plot developments for Season 2.

    If we were having coffee, I’d ask for book recommendations.

    1. Firstly, if you don’t mind the drive, you should totally come to my October LulaRoe party. Secondly, I can’t imagine moving back home. That would really mess with my head.

      And I totally feel you about decorating. Hence why I’ve been in the same space for like two years and have yet to hang anything up. Also, I’m distraught about the second season of Stranger Things, so this talk is much needed.

      As for book recs, have you ever read anything by Rainbow Rowell? I highly recommend Landline, Eleanor and Park, and Fangirl.

  4. If we were having coffee…

    I’d get mine with lots of cream even though my grandpa said black
    coffee is what the Lord intended.

    I’d talk to you about having crushes on boys you only know
    online, and how awkward and silly that is.

    I’d apologize for all the dumb snapchats I’ve sent.

    I would say “fuck that” more than what is necessary.

    I would ask you about your writing.

    I haven’t been to the okc metro in more than 2 years. I should trot on down.

    1. OMG if you trot on down, let’s seriously get coffee! Or, I’ll hit you up next time I’m in Tulsa.

      And I know all about having crushes on boys you only know online. Though, lately, I’ve been all about British actors.

      Also, never apologize for your snapchats! I love them.

  5. Having coffee with you is one of the great joys in my life. I wore my LLR (you can use the abbreviation when you fill your first punch card, I think) Irma shirt to work yesterday with fancy pants and though I looked quite professional, I felt like I was wearing pajamas. PAJAMAS TO WORK. Garanimals are my favorite.

    PS my orchid is now in the landfill. (Holy shit, that sounds like a really bad euphemism for menopause)

    1. BAHAHAHA! I’m going to use that phrase for menopause from now on.

      And hells yeah to pajamas for work!

  6. If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am still a reader of your blog. We swapped mugs last Spring.

    If we were having coffee, we would be two peas in a pod, cursing up a storm. It would sound more like two truck drivers having coffee.

    If we were having coffee, I would try and convince you to be a guest on my podcast, In Your Dreams…so we can discuss your midnight movies & analyze them.

    ..I should probably buy that amazing fart pin.

    If we were having coffee, I would ask you if you narrate your daily life in your head…almost like a script..because I do. I’m curious if others do..

    1. Dude, I still use that fox mug like every other day. It’s one of my favorites of all time.

      Also, we really need to have coffee so we can get kicked out of the coffee shop for cursing way too much.


      If you do buy that fart pin, be forewarned that not everyone is down with you wearing it in public.

      And there are definitely parts of my day where I narrate my life. Not all of it, but when things get exceedingly ridiculous…which is like 98% of the time.

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